Mann Gegen Mann
by CenturyChild533
Summary: Translation: Man Against Man. With the arrival of the Fifth Child, Shinji Ikari finds himself asking some rather interesting questions. Very, VERY slight ShinjiKaworu pairing.


Disclaimer: I do not own _Neon Genesis Evangelion. _The series is property of Gainax, ADV Films, and Hideaki Anno. Should any of these parties ask, I will remove this story from public view. I also do not own Rammstein or any of their songs.

The title of this story comes from the Rammstein song "Mann Gegen Mann," which translate to "man against man." Again, I do not own Rammstein or their music/song names.

This story contains some foul language and discussion of homosexuality. If these things offend you, turn back now.

**_"Mann Gegen Mann"_**

Or _"Man Against Man"_

By CenturyChild533

The water lapped lazily upon the shore, the ebb and flow of the waves a deafening sound penetrating the desolation of the city's ruined landscape. Orange light filtered down upon the softly moving surface of the newly formed lake, making the water glow with a warm light that seemed to mock the boy standing upon the shore. Shinji Ikari's cobalt eyes stared out at the abandoned buildings of Tokyo-3's east sector, his face a mirror of the tangle of anguish in his heart. He had been standing on that spot for several minutes, his thoughts wandering to and fro, searching for a solution to his many problems. Sadly, the young man had found none.

"Asuka… Misato… Mother…" Shinji said, his voice barely above a whisper. His right hand flexed uncomfortably, a nervous habit he had developed over the years. "What do I do now?"

Barely noticeable, the cicadas stopped chirping. Shinji heard a new sound rise up to replace them: a soft humming that sent a warm shiver down the boy's spine. Turning to the source, Shinji saw a young man standing atop one of the half-sunken angel statues that dotted the lake. The newcomer's gray hair rustled gently in the wind as he hummed his tune happily. The song, Shinji realized, was one that he recognized.

_Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. "An Ode to Joy."_

The boy stopped humming at the end of the chorus. "Singing is good, isn't it?" His voice was soft and gentle, with a feeling of white silk upon the ears.

Shinji looked at the other boy. "What?"

"A song is good," the gray-haired boy repeated. "It can soothe the soul and the heart. I think it is the greatest achievement of the Lillum culture." He faced Shinji and opened his eyes, revealing a pair of scintillating red irises that were strangely comforting. "Don't you think?"

Shinji looked at him blankly for a moment before returning his eyes to the gently shifting waves. "I don't know. Music has always been more of a distraction for me."

Much to his surprise, the other boy laughed.

"What's funny?"

"You understand more than you think," the boy said. "A distraction is exactly what most people need. This world is full of pain and troubles. Music can take a person away from all that, if only for a moment."

Shinji thought about this somewhat intriguing notion. "I never thought of it that way. I haven't listened to music in a long time."

"Perhaps you should, Shinji Ikari."

Shinji turned to face the gray-haired youth once more. "How do you know my name?"

"Everyone knows your name. Not to be rude, but you seem to be rather in the dark about your position."

"My position?" Shinji said, not understanding.

"The pilot of Evangelion Unit 01," the boy replied.

"Oh," Shinji said, trying his hardest not to sound dejected. Somehow, he had hoped it would be something other than that. He decided to change the subject. "So… what's your name?"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry; I forgot to tell you before. I'm Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa."

"Nice to meet you, Nagisa," Shinji said, at least attempting to sound enthusiastic.

"Call me Kaworu, please, Ikari."

The formality embarrassed Shinji slightly, and he blushed. "Just call me Shinji."

Kaworu smiled, and Shinji felt a warm shiver run down his spine. _What was that? _he wondered, attempting to shake the awkward feeling.

"So," Kaworu said, interrupting Shinji's thoughts, "what instrument do you play?"

"How did you know that I play an instrument?"

"You have that look in your eyes, my friend. Something wistful, as though your body is here but your heart and soul are elsewhere." As he talked, Kaworu descended the angel statue until his feet touched the sand. "I can tell. Only we musicians have that distance from this world."

"We? You play as well?"

"Yes, I play the piano. And you?"

"The cello."

If such a thing were possible, Kaworu's smile brightened. "Ah, the cello. A beautiful sound—dark, brooding, and mellow. Somewhat like you, I imagine."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just a moment ago, when I first noticed you, you appeared to be deep in thought," Kaworu said, his tone a little more serious but still maintaining his otherworldly quality of comforting softness. "What were you thinking about?"

Shinji averted his gaze as horrible memories from the past few days returned to him.

_Asuka being attacked by the Fifteenth Angel then vanishing without a trace._

_Rei dying at the hands of the Sixteenth, and her true origins finally being revealed._

_Misato's breakdown, causing her to speak to virtually no one._

"I'd… rather not talk about it," Shinji said after a few moments pause.

Kaworu nodded. "Yes, I thought as much. Your thoughts are of a dark nature." This was not a question but a statement. Somehow, Kaworu was sensing these things. Disregarding the eerie notion, Shinji nodded.

"I suspected as much," Kaworu said. "You tend to think on the dark side of things, focusing on the negative. Because of this, you tend to think inward, drawing your personality out of a fear of the pain you feel. The cello's mournful sound fits you well, Shinji."

Shinji looked at the young man in amazement. "How is it that you can tell all that?" he asked, awed by the gray-haired boy's nearly flawless perception.

Kaworu's red eyes locked onto Shinji's, and Shinji felt that warm shiver once again. "I can see it in your eyes." And he left it at that.

Neither of them said anything for a while, each lost in his own thoughts, Shinji most of all. It was several more minutes before Kaworu broke the silence. "Might I ask a favor of you, Shinji?"

"What is it?"

"Can you take me to NERV? I was supposed to find my lodgings there tonight and to have a synch test done, but I find myself incapable of finding it."

Shinji was about to reply when what Kaworu had said finally sunk in entirely. "Wait… you mean… you're…"

"Didn't I tell you?"

Shinji shook his head.

"Yes, I am the Fifth Child."

_So this is the one they sent to replace Asuka, _Shinji thought, not quite sure what to think of the boy now.

Kaworu, in his infinite empathy, seemed to pick up on this and vocalized his concern. "You don't like it, do you?"

Shinji shook his head. "It's not that, really; it's just… well…"

"You dislike that I was sent here to replace Sohryu," Kaworu finished for him.

Shinji nodded, ashamed that Kaworu had seen this so easily. "I'm sorry."

"Do not be," Kaworu reassured him with a smile. "It is only natural for you to feel that way. I cannot and do not hold it against you."

Shinji smiled and changed the subject. "But yeah, of course, I'll take you to NERV."

"Thank you, Shinji," Kaworu said, and the two of them set off.

As Shinji walked with Kaworu out of the old sector and back toward the nicer, more intact section of Tokyo-3, he couldn't help but wonder about the newcomer. How he had read Shinji's emotions like a book was unsettling. It would be that way for anyone, but for someone like Shinji, with a deep fear of his own emotions, it was doubly so. Something wasn't right about Kaworu, but Shinji was unable to figure out what it was.

And the way that he spoke… God, it was almost scary, the way that Kaworu talked, with his gentle and calm voice. The way it sent shivers down Shinji's spine every time he looked into the boy's red eyes was scary, and the effect made him uncomfortable. What exactly was it that he was feeling? Shinji could not be sure, but there was one thing that he could not ignore.

He felt comforted yet uncomfortable. The strange mix of emotions was almost as unsettling as what was causing them.

Kaworu turned to face him as they turned a corner, coming out onto one of the main sidewalks not too far from the NERV complex. "Is something bothering you, Shinji?"

Shinji shook his head quickly. "No, no, of course not. I'm fine." He coughed to clear his throat.

Kaworu smiled and said nothing further.

( 0 0 0 )

Shinji inhaled the LCL into his lungs, the bloodlike taste making him feel unusually nauseous. He had thought that he had gotten used to the yellow substance and its disgusting nature, but perhaps it was the fact that he was already uneasy. Something about the atmosphere of this test was making him most anxious, more than likely the fact that he was taking the test with a new pilot. Shinji had not had this problem when Asuka had joined them, but with Kaworu it just seemed… wrong, somehow. Like the normal equilibrium had been disrupted by his arrival. Perhaps it had. Shinji could not be sure.

Shinji glanced at the monitor to his left, seeing a profile of Kaworu, his eyes closed and a serene smile on his face. _He seems too calm for this. I thought he'd be at least a little bit nervous. _But the gray-haired young man seemed perfectly at ease in the Entry Plug, as though he was supposed to be there. It was creepy.

Shinji heard Ritsuko's voice infiltrate his thoughts. "Shinji, please concentrate on the task at hand. Your synch ratio is lower than it has been, so don't get distracted."

Shinji nodded, embarrassed that he had been caught slacking off. "Yes, ma'am." And he closed his eyes, trying to return to the task of synching with Unit 01. Try as he might, though, he simply could not force his mind to connect with the Eva's.

"Okay," Ritsuko said after a few more minutes. "Shinji and Rei, you're free to go. Nagisa, I'd like you to remain for some additional testing."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaworu said pleasantly, like there was nothing else in the world that he'd rather be doing.

"Good. All right you two, the test is over." Two of the test plugs opened, and Shinji and Rei stepped out onto the catwalk, heading for the locker rooms.

Shinji opened the door and entered the room, finding the locker that his clothes had been stored in and releasing the vacuum seal on the plug suit, allowing the rubbery garment to pool at his feet. He picked it up and stowed it in the locker, removing his black pants and sliding them on. As he did this, he heard a voice from behind the screen separating the two rooms. (The screen had been placed at the request of the Second Child, Asuka Langley Sohryu).

"Ikari?"

Her voice startled Shinji, seeing as how he had not spoken to Rei since he had learned of her origins and seen the inner core of the Dummy System. He spoke awkwardly, fumbling over his words, and replied, "Y-yes, Ayanami?"

"Does something about this new pilot seem… odd to you?"

Shinji, who was now buttoning his white shirt up, thought for a minute. "What do you mean?"

"I cannot be entirely sure," Rei's voice came back, "but something seems wrong."

"I don't know," Shinji replied simply. He did not hear Rei's voice again, and he finished dressing, removing his SDAT player from his pocket and staring at it for a moment as he walked down the hallway. He felt around in his other pockets for the spare tapes he carried, and he found the three of them, sorting through until he found the one he was looking for. He opened the device, inserting the tape and pressing the play button as he put the earphones in.

_Beethoven's Ninth, Fourth movement in D minor. _The piece that Kaworu had been humming. Shinji hadn't been able to get it out of his brain since then. Maybe actually hearing it would help.

After he had started the piece, Shinji looked up and promptly realized that he did not consciously know where he was walking. Somehow, in his preoccupied state, he had ended up near the exit from the Eva cages. He looked around for a bench and took a seat, leaning his head against the cold metal wall and allowing the music to soothe his nerves. _Maybe this is why Kaworu likes this song so much, _Shinji thought as his eyes started to drift shut.

When he opened his eyes again, he found Kaworu standing over him, watching Shinji with a curious smile on his face.

"You're awake now. That's good." The gray-haired boy smiled.

Shinji sat up, rubbing his head, which ached from leaning against the metal wall. "How long have I been asleep?"

"I cannot be sure. I have only been here a couple of minutes, though. My synch test ended not too long ago."

Shinji murmured thoughtfully. Somehow, the thought of Kaworu watching him while he slept was a discomforting notion. At the same time, though, it flattered Shinji that the other boy would wait on him rather than simply leaving. "Yeah, I was just gonna take a shower and go home…" He paused, not entirely sure he wanted to finish this thought. He knew, though, that he wouldn't have to.

"You do not wish to go home?" Kaworu finished. Shinji nodded. "You do have a home to return to, though. And that is a good thing. Some people do not have that luxury."

Shinji blushed, embarrassed at being told, in essence, that he was taking such a thing for granted. "Do you?"

"You mean, do I have a home?"

Shinji nodded. "You don't have to answer, if you don't want to."

"It's quite all right. I try to think of this world as home, that way I am never without one. When I move into the next world… I shall make that one my home, as well."

"That's an… interesting way of thinking of it."

"Where do you consider home, Shinji?"

The brown-haired boy hesitated. "I… I'm not really sure. I thought Misato's apartment was my home now, but… I can't think of it as a home now. A home is somewhere where you feel comfortable, and there… I don't."

Kaworu nodded solemnly. "I see. Perhaps we should discuss this some other time. There will be plenty of time to talk. For now, you said you needed to take a shower, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Do you mind if I join you?"

Shinji flinched, not quite sure he had heard right. "Excuse me!" he said in astonishment.

If Kaworu picked up on his discomfort (which Shinji was sure he must have, considering his eerie sense of empathy), the gray-haired boy made no notice. "A shower. Do you mind if I join you? I need one as well."

Shinji attempted to return his heart rate to normal. "Oh… um…"

"You mean 'no,' right?"

"No, it's fine. I could probably use the company anyway."

Kaworu smiled. Shinji felt the warm shiver again, a now familiar sensation that he was beginning to feel whenever Kaworu was around and not only on specific occasions.

Even stranger, Shinji felt himself enjoying it.

( 0 0 0 )

Never before in his fifteen years had Shinji felt so awkward.

He now sat in the rather spacious communal bath, which was not where he had intended on being. He had planned to use the showers in the locker room, but Kaworu had insisted upon coming here, saying that he wanted to experience a real Japanese bath for once. Not seeing any way out of it, Shinji had agreed. He was beginning to wish that he hadn't. He glanced at Kaworu, who was smiling serenely, his eyes closed and his face turned up toward the ceiling. Had it not been for the boy's gentle humming, Shinji would have thought he was asleep.

Shinji sighed, trying to allow the tension to flow from his body. _Maybe Rei's right, _Shinji thought. _Maybe there is something different about Kaworu. But is that a bad thing? I mean, he seems like a nice enough person. But… _

Rei's words had been plaguing him for the past few moments, now that he had actually begun contemplating them. What exactly had she meant? Had she been referring to his unusual features? Shinji doubted it; considering how much alike Kaworu and Rei looked and how little Rei knew about what was considered normal in terms of appearance, Shinji had a hard time believing that was what the blue-haired pilot had been alluding to. Was it the way he behaved? Possibly. Shinji had noted that he did have some strange mannerisms, but he had not truly thought about why he acted that way. And was it only around Shinji that he used that affectionate tone?

Shinji shook his head. _No, he couldn't be… could he?_

It wasn't too hard to imagine. Which made Shinji wonder.

Kaworu's eyes opened slowly and locked onto Shinji's, for which the young Ikari was grateful. "Something is troubling you?"

Shinji blushed slightly. "Maybe. I'm not sure if it's anything to be concerned about or not."

"What is it?"

Shinji said nothing for a moment and eventually replied, "It's nothing."

Kaworu nodded, his gaze drifting to the large monitor on the wall, displaying a serene setting of a mountainside, occasional sound effects being played through the speakers on the wall. He spoke, his tone serious and calm, yet Shinji still felt soothed by his voice. "You are afraid of people, aren't you?"

Shinji frowned visibly, his eyes focusing on the gentle movement of the water's surface. "Yes, I suppose I am."

"And so you condemn yourself to another, equally destructive fate?"

Shinji looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"You are afraid of people, and so you shun them, keeping them at a distance. But this makes you lonely. It is loneliness that you suffer from the most."

"Loneliness?" Shinji questioned.

"Yes," Kaworu said. "People cannot live their lives alone. They need other people around them for support. A shoulder to cry on in a time of need, someone to share in their triumph when they experience good things… or someone to love"

Shinji felt Kaworu place his hand upon his own. A shiver worked its way through his arm, and he jerked it away reflexively. Kaworu sighed.

"You see? You turn away from even the simplest contacts, no matter what the intentions behind them."

Shinji looked at him oddly. "And what exactly are those intentions?"

Kaworu smiled. Shinji shuddered.

The lights in the room turned off, leaving only the dull light from the view screen to illuminate the space. The image changed to a strange multicolored backdrop with a NERV logo over it, and Shinji sighed with relief.

"I guess it's time to go now," Shinji said a little more enthusiastically than he had planned.

Kaworu nodded and stood up, stretching a bit. He paused, though, and looked at Shinji again. "Too bad. I was beginning to enjoy myself."

"I guess I'll have to go to bed now."

"With me?" Kaworu said, a small smile playing at his effeminate features.

"N-n-no," Shinji stammered, trying to maintain his composure. "I think they give you your own room."

"Ah, yes. The NERV barracks. How… economical."

"Better than where I have to go. I don't want to go back home."

"Then why don't you stay with me for the night?"

"Well," Shinji said, running a hand over the back of his head, "I wouldn't want to intrude or be an inconvenience…"

"Nonsense!" Kaworu said enthusiastically. "Besides, it will give us an opportunity to talk more. I do so enjoy our conversations."

Shinji nodded and smiled. "Me too. It's been a while since I've talked to anyone like this."

It had been. Shinji had never really opened up to anyone since he came to NERV. He couldn't even remember the last time he had openly talked with someone, or when he had done so comfortably. Despite Kaworu's admittedly unusual behavior, Shinji found it remarkably easy to talk to the gray-haired boy.

Kaworu grabbed a towel from the rack by the door and began drying himself off. Shinji followed and began to do the same, the temperature contrast from the hot water to the cooler air making his skin tingle slightly.

"You know," Kaworu said as he finished drying his tousled hair, "pain is an unusual thing. It is necessary for people to endure pain in order to become stronger, and yet many do not see it. They see pain as something to be feared, and they fail to learn from it."

Shinji wrapped the towel around his waist, having finished drying himself. "It's an instinct, isn't it? I mean, we hate pain as a reflex. No one _enjoys _pain."

"You are correct," Kaworu said, opening the door to where their clothes were stored and entering. "No one really enjoys pain. Yet it is good to learn from it. A lesson can be learned from each pain experienced, whether it is an analysis of your own failure, or merely knowing what people you should not be associating with. People cause each other pain, and yet they do not know that they have done so."

"Some people do know," Shinji said, an image of Asuka coming to his mind, "and they just don't care."

"Hmm," Kaworu said. "Yes. It is true that some people will seek to cause others pain for their own reasons. But such people are misguided. They feel pain and then cause others pain in order to soothe themselves. They do not seek an explanation, merely a temporary remedy. But like a drug, it takes hold, and they must do it more and more often to forget their own anguish."

Kaworu met Shinji's eyes. "But you… you are one who feels pain and retreats, as I said. Your heart is fragile, like glass. You fear it being shattered."

Shinji placed a hand over his chest. "My… heart?"

"Yes. It is a beautiful thing."

"What?"

"Your heart."

Shinji was confused. "What are you saying, Kaworu?"

"I mean that I love you."

The gray-haired boy smiled comfortingly and said no more.

( 0 0 0 )

Shinji stared up at the ceiling of the barracks that Kaworu had been assigned to, wondering why in the hell the room had to be so small. _He wasn't kidding when he said economical, _Shinji thought to himself. Of course, economical was hardly the word for such a place. Tiny, maybe. Miniscule, closer.

Shinji, for the first time in his life, felt mildly claustrophobic.

The room was only large enough for the single bed and a nightstand, both pushed up into the corner so as to maximize what little floor space there was. Shinji was now occupying said space, and there was little to no floor exposed now due to the small spare mattress upon it.

"I should be on the floor," he heard Kaworu say from his slightly raised position upon the bed.

"No, I'm fine. I'm staying at your place, so I'll be okay down here." Shinji felt it was only right; despite Kaworu's many assurances to the contrary, the young man still felt he was causing the gray-haired boy an inconvenience. But despite the minimal space and the (admittedly uncomfortable) floor, Shinji was sure that being at his current "home" would be much worse, if not physically then psychologically. Oftentimes, Shinji found the latter to be worse than the former.

"Is there something you wanted to ask me, Shinji?" Kaworu said, turning to look at the brown-haired boy on the floor.

Shinji snapped from his reverie. He had several things he wanted to talk about, but the most recent seemed to be the most pressing. It also was the most intriguing, and something Shinji had been wondering about for a long time.

"Kaworu… what is love?"

"Love? What do you mean?"

"Well," Shinji said, trying to put the infinitely complex question into simpler words, "a little while ago you told me that you loved me." Shinji still felt somewhat awkward as he remembered this.

"Yes," Kaworu said, as if this were the simplest thing in the world.

"I mean, I just kind of wondered what you meant by that."

Kaworu chuckled in understanding. "Ah, yes. I see. You are beginning to question your sexuality, aren't you?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure. I just…" He trailed off here, not able to form his emotions into a sentence.

Kaworu took a deep breath before speaking. "Let us return to the initial question before we clear _that _hurdle. You ask, 'What is love?' You know, of course, that there is no one answer to this."

Shinji looked at him, puzzled. "There isn't?"

Kaworu shook his head. "The Sanskrit language has ninety-six words for love. That should tell you how many different forms there are. Japanese itself has a few. It is a complex emotion, one that cannot be put into words."

Shinji nodded. "But we know it exists, right?"

"Of course we do. We feel it, so we know it exists. It is like the wind, in that respect; we feel it, and yet it is never seen, never explained. Only felt."

"So… no one really knows what it is?"

Kaworu thought for a moment. "Everyone has their own definition, and there are forms which human beings consider to be universal. For example… the love of a mother for her child or the bond between friends. These are kinds of love that we see and accept."

Shinji nodded, and Kaworu continued. "Yet there are many forms that are felt and understood by one person and one person alone. Let's take a look at a single instance, shall we?"

"Okay," Shinji replied hesitantly.

"What do you feel for the Second Child?"

Shinji flinched, turning his gaze away from Kaworu. "I… I'm not sure. She's hardly ever nice to me, and she seems to hate everything about me."

"Yet you still treat her with kindness?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just my upbringing."

"Perhaps that is part of it. But I think that because of all you two have experienced, you still feel a connection to her on some level."

"Maybe."

"It may not be anything spectacular or passionate, but you do feel love for her in a way. If no more than a general concern for her well-being, it is still love."

Shinji considered this. "I never really thought about it that way before."

Kaworu nodded and smiled a triumphant smile. "That is one kind. Another example: the First Child, Ayanami. What about her?"

Shinji changed gears and began to think about this. His memories of Ayanami that he could construe as an emotional connection were few and far between. He remembered her smile after the Fifth Angel attack, her blush when he and Touji had cleaned her apartment, and the one time in the courtyards. The last one he considered strange, Ayanami's request being somewhat out of character.

_"Could I… hold your hand again?"_

Returning to the real world, Shinji said, "She seems like a good person, but she doesn't seem to open up very often. It's hard to know what she's thinking or what she's feeling."

"Much like yourself, I imagine."

"Not like this, but I see the point you're trying to make."

"The only difference between your circumstance and that of the First Child is because of your past. You separate yourself from others because you fear pain. She has always been separate from others, never forging the ever-so necessary connections with other people."

"It's because of my father that she's that way."

"We'll get to that in a second. You do feel something for Ayanami; I can tell by the way you speak. I have read about what happened during the Fifth's attack, and there is some sort of connection there. Perhaps it is because you are the Commander's son or for some other reason. No one except Ayanami herself knows that for sure. But she saved your life, and that speaks of caring."

"It does?"

Kaworu laughed. "Certainly! Tell me, would you jump in front of a high-heat energy beam for a total stranger who you cared nothing about?"

Shinji considered this. "I see your point."

Kaworu nodded. "Again, a unique circumstance, specific to only yourself. And let us look at one final example, the one you dread the most."

Shinji knew what was coming before the words passed Kaworu's lips. "My father."

"Indeed. How do you feel about him?"

"I hate him. He's an awful person. He's the reason so many of the bad things around here happen."

"True enough, but he is still your father."

Shinji scoffed. "Not to me, he isn't."

Kaworu made a thoughtful humming noise. "In the past, though, before you came here and before everything happened, he loved you, right? He loved your mother. He must have, otherwise you would not exist."

"I guess so."

"Though it might be buried deep within you, you love him. He's your father; you can't help it. That is the way parents and their children are. No matter what happens, they always love one another, no matter how deep or superficial that love may be."

Shinji thought hard about what Kaworu said. He had always been one to hate his father, and he felt justified in doing so. After everything that Gendo Ikari was responsible for, how could Shinji find it in his heart to feel anything other than utter revulsion? And yet Kaworu's words struck a chord. It had been a very long time, when he was still a child… but Shinji could vaguely remember some of what his father was like.

"I guess you're right," he finally acquiesced.

"Indeed so," Kaworu said.

"But you still haven't answered my original question, Kaworu."

"No, but this was all in the hopes that you would figure it out on your own. I'll explain. I've told you that there are forms of love that only the one who feels them can understand. This is such a case."

"Can you…" Shinji paused. "I mean… can you try to explain it?"

There was a lengthy silence, and just when Shinji was about to apologize for offending the gray-haired boy, Kaworu spoke. "It is… complicated, shall we say."

"Oh… never mind."

"Suffice to say… I think I was born to meet you, Shinji."

Nothing was spoken further than that. The next time that Shinji broke his deep state of contemplation over the thoughts they had shared, he noticed that Kaworu was asleep, one of his hands dangling over the edge of his futon. The two boys were nearly level due to the low bed that Kaworu was sleeping on. Shinji sighed, and placed his hand over Kaworu's, much in the same way that the other boy had done a few hours prior.

He could have sworn he saw the ghost of a smile cross Kaworu's face. Shinji gave Kaworu's hand a gentle squeeze before he rolled over and tried to sleep.

Nothing except more questions came that night.

( 0 0 0 )

Shinji changed into his plug suit as quickly as he could as the Angel alert klaxons blared in the background. It had been only moments ago when the alarms had begun to sound, signaling the arrival of the Seventeenth Angel, the Final Messenger. An end to the Angel attacks. Shinji sealed his plug suit and ran from the room toward the cages.

As he entered the cage, though, he noticed something odd: Unit 02 was missing. Which couldn't be possible, because Unit 02 was Asuka's unit, and she was still in the infirmary. Where could the red unit be? He quickly dismissed the thought and inserted himself into Unit 01's Entry Plug. As the LCL flooded his lungs, he could sense something in the air that made him feel uneasy.

Something wasn't right.

Misato's voice crackled over the comm. system. "Shinji, there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it, Misato?" He was expecting intelligence, a summary of the Angel's tactics or weapons.

Anything except what he heard from his guardian.

"The Angel… is Kaworu."

Time stopped. Shinji felt the blood freeze in his veins, and his fists clenched involuntarily.

"No… How is that possible?"

"Don't ask questions, Shinji. We've got a job to do now. Just do it."

"But… I can't…"

"You can, and you will." And with that, the woman cut the connection.

Shinji closed his eyes forcefully, trying to fight back tears. _Kaworu… he can't be… he can't be! _He simply refused to believe that his friend, the one who had told him the meaning of love no more than a few hours ago, was now the one whom he had to destroy.

Unit 01 moved itself away from the gantry and toward the gaping vertical portal into Terminal Dogma. Shinji leapt into the depths, and Unit 01 plummeted downward into the murky blackness.

As he looked at his view screen, Shinji saw what he feared the most: a speck of red and a glowing white aura atop it. As he came closer, he could make out the form of Eva Unit 02 and Kaworu perched atop the behemoth's shoulder like a hawk. The boy looked up at Unit 01, staring right through the Unit and into Shinji's eyes with his penetrating ruby gaze.

"Ah, Shinji," he said, his silky voice as affectionate as usual, as though nothing were wrong. "I was wondering when you would come."

"Kaworu! What are you doing!" Shinji screamed, overcome by his disbelief and anger.

"I am only doing what I was sent here to do."

"Destroying humanity? How can you do such a thing? You betrayed me! Just like _everyone else_!"

"No, Shinji," Kaworu said, his tone level. "I did not betray you. I said I was your friend, and I am thus."

"Friends don't betray each other!"

"I cannot deny my purpose."

Kaworu stepped off of Unit 02's shoulder, and the red Eva lashed out, its hands bound for Unit 01's throat. Shinji countered quickly, grappling with the red monster. It fought with an unearthly vigor, a strength that Shinji had never faced before against anyone.

"How could you do this to me, Kaworu!" Shinji said, his anger overwhelming him. Tears streamed from his eyes, both from anger and a sense of sadness, of loss. "I thought… I thought you said you loved me!"

"I do, Shinji."

"NO! You lied! I loved you; I trusted you, and you LIED TO ME!"

Unit 01, in a show of brute ferocity, tore free of Unit 02's death grip and planted a smashing blow to the red mecha's jaw. Unit 02 reeled back but recovered quickly, returning to its grapple with Unit 01.

"So," Kaworu said, "you _do _understand my love for you, after all."

"I thought I did, and then you do this! How can I believe you loved me? How!" Shinji's voice was raised, his anger forcing itself from his heart with every syllable.

"That is something I cannot answer, Shinji. You must answer that on your own. Return that love I felt for you… or not. Either way, this struggle must play to its end."

Unit 02 deployed its Progressive Knife, and Shinji did so less than a second afterward. Both Evas drew their knives in synch, slamming the vibrating blades together and sending a shower of blinding white sparks in all directions. Shinji felt his grip loosen, and his blade headed straight for Kaworu. Despite his better judgment, he tried to stop it, but an orange hexagonal pattern materialized between the Angel and the razor sharp weapon.

"An… AT Field…"

"That is what you Lilim call this thing. Truly, it is the light of the soul, a sacred place where no one can intrude. Everyone has an AT Field."

"Everyone? How? I don't understand!"

"Perhaps you are not meant to."

Unit 01 pulled its blade free, raising it high and slamming its tip into Unit 02's exposed neck, sending a spray of purple blood outward. Unit 02 returned in kind, ramming its knife to the hilt in Unit 01's chest. Shinji let out an ungodly scream of pain.

"It pains me to see it come to this, Shinji," Kaworu said. "But it must be done. I had hoped our time together would last longer… but alas, it was not meant to be."

"Why did you have to find me?" Shinji whimpered, continuing to fight on despite the searing pain in his chest… right where his heart was. "Why did you have to tell me you loved me? Why did you have to make me love you?"

There was a silence as they fell into the depths, and Kaworu merely stared on as the two Evas fought. Finally, the Angel spoke. "I did not make you love me, Shinji. Your heart decided that on its own."

"But you were my friend. You were… more. I know you felt more."

Kaworu nodded solemnly. "And yet you know in your heart that it was a _choice _that you made. I could never, I _would _never, make you feel anything. I am the Angel of Free Will. Such things are not my way."

"Whatever you feel, whatever you do is your own choice. No one can make you feel anything."

Shinji growled. "But you came here! You made your own choice to talk to me, to show me something I wanted! And then you snatched it away!"

Again, Shinji planted a fist into Unit 02's face then lunged forward and wrapped his hands around the red Eva's throat.

"Perhaps you are right," Kaworu said. "Perhaps it was wrong of me to befriend you."

"But," Kaworu continued, "I would never have it any other way."

They exited the shaft, and the two monsters crashed into the ground, a shower of ice crystals mushrooming into the air upon impact. Shinji glanced around frantically for Kaworu and saw the boy floating toward Heaven's Door.

Shinji lunged forward, attempting to stop Kaworu before he could pass into the massive room beyond, but he was stopped. Unit 02's hand clenched down on his ankle, holding him firmly in place. With his free leg, Shinji brought his foot down upon Unit 02's neck, pressing down unmercifully. Another inhuman, bellowing roar resounded from his throat as he heard the neck snap, and the red behemoth went limp. He turned and ran for the door.

Shinji grabbed the doors just as they were about to close, forcing them open. On the other side, he could see the massive, crucified form of an Angel in the midst of a sea of LCL. He did not register these things, though. All he cared about was the gray-haired young man floating in front of the pure white monster.

"I see," he heard Kaworu say. "I understand perfectly now."

Shinji's hand lashed out, wrapping around Kaworu's body. The gray-haired boy stared up at Unit 01, his head the only part of him that was visible.

"I thank you, Shinji."

Shinji was mystified. Here he was, holding the Angel's fate (literally) in the palm of his hand… and Kaworu was _thanking _him? "For what?" the boy asked confusedly.

"I wanted you to defeat Unit 02. Only one of us can survive this, and I would much prefer it to be you."

"What are you talking about?"

"It was my destiny to come here, my purpose that had been assigned to me. But that does not mean I cannot be destroyed… In order for you to live, that is what must be done."

"No! Kaworu, there has to be another way!"

Kaworu shook his head sullenly. "There is no other way. You must kill me now, Shinji."

"But… no! I can't do it. I won't do it!"

"You must. Do you remember what I told you last night?"

"Love?"

"This is one form of it: mercy. You must show me mercy by destroying me. And you must show love for others by destroying me. It is the only way that the humans can survive. If you do not… I am bound by my purpose."

Shinji looked at the young man who was clasped in Unit 01's purple fist. Kaworu stared back at him, a sympathetic and oddly comforting smile on his face. Shinji could tell that the other boy knew what he was feeling and that Kaworu could also tell how much pain this was causing him.

"But… what about…" Shinji said, a few stray tears falling from his eyes. "What about us? Why can't…"

"You have your memories and the things I have taught you," Kaworu said. "That is enough. That is all you will need."

"But… I want you to stay. I want you to stay here with me." The tears fell freely now, landing with soft "pat-pat" noises upon the plastic of Shinji's plug suit.

"I know. I can sense the loneliness returning to you already. You feel as though you have been abandoned. But never fear. We will see each other again soon. I hope that this is the case, at any rate."

Kaworu smiled warmly and closed his eyes. "Thank you, Shinji. My life was meaningful because of you."

Silence pervaded as Shinji cried softly, his heart wrenching in two different directions. How could he kill the one who loved him? But he knew what would happen if he did not follow through. Everything that NERV had worked for, everything they had achieved thus far, would be forfeit.

Shinji could never be that selfish.

Shinji mustered his courage. He swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking back the tears.

Shinji knew that Kaworu was right. Deep within his heart, he would cherish the memories and the lessons. That was all that he needed to get by. He smiled, remembering their conversations, the emotions that had been shared, unspoken, between them.

Shinji inhaled a deep breath. He knew that in a second, it would all be over.

Shinji clenched his fist… and screamed in anguish and agony, as though he were the one who had died.

( 0 0 0 )

Hours later, Shinji sat upon the lakeshore at the same place he had first met Kaworu. The cicadas had resumed their chirping, and the moonlight reflected upon the water, flowing easily upon the gently lapping surface like white silk. Shinji's eyes burned with tears, still falling as he remembered everything. He heard footsteps behind him, but he did not turn to face the interloper.

"I just came to check on you," Misato said, her voice soft and comforting.

Shinji sighed, feeling some of the tension pass from him. "Kaworu was so much better than me. He told me he loved me… I don't even remember the last time someone said those words to me. And he meant them, I know he did. Even though he was an Angel, even though he was supposed to kill us all… I know he really did love me."

Misato put a hand on Shinji's shoulder consolingly. "You loved him too… didn't you?" The AT Field that Kaworu had generated had scrambled the intercom, so no one had heard the exchange between Shinji and Kaworu.

"Yes… I did…"

"But you're wrong about something, Shinji," Misato said. "You were stronger than he was. You had the _will _to survive… Kaworu didn't. And to force you into making that kind of a choice…"

Misato never finished her sentence. In a most uncharacteristic move, Shinji turned, fury burning in his cobalt eyes, and struck Misato across the cheek as hard as he could. Since she was crouched, the woman fell over, stunned by the boy's outburst.

"Don't you _EVER _insult him! Don't you dare!" Shinji shouted, his voice raging.

Misato said nothing more. She knew that there was nothing she could do for him at this point. She stood and left wordlessly, not having anything to say to redeem herself.

Shinji's gaze returned to the lakeshore, his eyes filling up with tears again. He hadn't meant to be so cruel to Misato, but he couldn't allow her to insult Kaworu the way she was. He wasn't even sure if she _was _insulting him; his emotions were overwhelming his logic.

He sighed. _I'm alone…again…_

It felt awful, to feel love and then have it snatched away so soon. Shinji felt crushed, nothing in the world left to keep him going except Kaworu's words. Those final words remained and would always remain.

"_Only one of us can survive this… and I'd much prefer it to be you."_

Kaworu's final words were a message of love. The pure, untainted, and unhindered emotion that Shinji had been searching for his whole life. Even the unusual nature of their connection hardly mattered. It was love.

Shinji sighed. Nothing left to do now but pick up the pieces… and try to move on. Or just to start moving.

Prereading credit goes to Scout and That Other Guy, as always. Thanks, you guys!


End file.
